Formation of self-esteem: low, high

I want to show how self-esteem affects the quality of life and relationships with others and what we can do for ourselves to manage our self-esteem, rather than be led by it.

Definition of self-esteem

In psychology, self-esteem is usually understood as a person's comprehensive assessment of himself, his strengths and weaknesses, his place in society. The quality of his relationships, professional success, his exactingness to himself and others largely depend on this.

Sources of self-esteem

Childhood is the time when the basis for future self-esteem is formed. It is the parents who convey direct and indirect messages to the child about his value to them, show him what he is: good or bad, strong or weak.

Therefore, it is important whether the parents show unconditional love, approval and acceptance, or whether their warmth and attention must be earned through special behavior and success.

The child copies not only the behavior of adults, but also their attitude towards themselves. And, becoming an adult, he continues to look at himself, evaluate his actions through the eyes of his parents.

• If more was expected of a child in childhood, what he was capable of due to individual or age characteristics, criticized or sighed about the fact that “other children ...” - thus the basis for low self-esteem was formed.
• When parents emphasized the special development of the child in comparison with peers, praised and encouraged even the most insignificant achievements (an exaggerated example: a five-year-old assembled a construction set faster than all three-year-olds) - then they created conditions for inadequately high self-esteem.

The basis for adequate self-esteem is, first of all, the ability to objectively evaluate your successes and mistakes, to measure your capabilities with reality, without belittling or overestimating them.

The essence of adequate self-esteem is to realistically evaluate your opportunities, without underestimating or overestimating them.

In adolescence and youth, self-esteem continues to depend on significant loved ones (including the opinion of the reference group) and is therefore unstable. When a person leaves the care of their parents and begins to make decisions independently based on their own desires and values, a choice arises: will self-esteem depend on other people or on personal criteria and ideas about themselves.

A reference group is a certain community of people whose standards and values a person uses to evaluate themselves and their actions, and strives to be accepted by members of this group.

When a person cares about the opinions of others, how good they are for them and whether they meet their expectations, then they are essentially guided by their value system and vision of the world. In addition, people around us can be sincere, kind and fair, or they can be in a bad mood or dissatisfied with themselves and everything in the world, including us. And then our so-called self-esteem will be torn apart. And us along with it.

Bad advice against adequate self-esteem

1. Compare yourself with other people - colleagues, classmates, Mark Zuckerberg.
2. Look at yourself with a humble gaze: what has grown, has grown and there is no need to jump above your head.
3. Be sure to ask the opinions of others about yourself, your talents and character - they always see better from the outside what you are capable of and what kind of person you are.
4. Be sure to strive to do everything perfectly and do not forgive yourself for mistakes. And in general, do not forgive anyone for imperfections. Perfectionism - and not a step back!

And then unstable and inadequate (low or high) self-esteem is guaranteed.

10 signs of inadequately low self-esteem

1. Constant dissatisfaction with yourself and others.
2. Increased sensitivity to any criticism.
3. The desire to be good and correct for everyone.
4. Fear of future mistakes and fixation on the past.
5. Endless sense of guilt (love of self-accusation).
6. Envy instead of sincere admiration.
7. General pessimistic view of events and yourself.
8. The desire for an ideal result without taking into account objective reality and refusal to act if the ideal is not achievable.
9. Permanent readiness for defense, any remark is perceived with hostility.
10. Indecision, a difficult experience of the slightest failure or oversight.

Consequences

1. Others are more important to me than myself.
2. Physical and emotional depression, depressiveness.
3. Perfectionism: I'm not good enough and/or I don't have the right to mistake.
4. Focusing on unattainable goals - giving up on the movement altogether, since it won't work out anyway or it won't work out well enough (see point 3).
5. Motivation through kicks, reproaches and fear.

A person with low self-esteem does not like himself and tries to devalue, criticize others, belittle them to his level, so as not to experience even more suffering.

6 signs of inadequately high self-esteem

1. Unreasonable self-confidence.
2. Constant need for praise.
3. Sharp rejection of any criticism.
4. The desire to be the center of attention.
5. High demands on to others.
6. "There is my opinion and the wrong one."

It is interesting that a number of signs and consequences are the same for any pole of inadequate self-esteem, for example, perfectionism and fear of screwing up, losing face.

3 distinctive features of a person with adequate self-esteem

1. Love for yourself, attitude to the world "I am Ok, You are Ok".
2. Self-confidence, faith in your abilities, reliance on your strengths.
3. Self-respect and the ability to defend your values.

We will talk about how to form your self-esteem so that it supports your confidence and pleasant relationships with yourself and others in the next article.