Mama's boy: physical, emotional and psychological dependence on the mother

Such a man cannot make an independent choice that does not depend on his mother's opinion or, moreover, that goes against her wishes and ideas. He cannot date a girl that his mother does not like, he cannot work where his mother does not like, he cannot do what he wants if his mother thinks it is wrong or what is happening upsets her.

If he plans to spend the day with friends, and his mother needs to hang a fan, then, of course, he is forced (and sometimes even wants) to choose the latter. As a rule, these men do not really understand what they themselves want.

Usually, such a character irritates others, it is difficult for him to gain respect from representatives of both sexes. Although this turns out to be less important to him than how he looks in the eyes of his mother. He is afraid to offend her, to upset her, to be bad for her, to lose her favor.

A woman next to such a man feels not important and valuable enough for him, and perceives him as weak and unmanly. Relationships always have the character of a triangle, where in addition to the couple, there is an invisibly third party - the man's mother. Based on her image, preferences and desires, he builds his life.

How does a man become a mama's boy?

You can only find out exactly what makes a man at 30 or older remain a mama's boy in the process of psychoanalysis or psychotherapy, where unconscious motives of behavior are discovered. But there are several common situations in which men cannot separate from their mother and live separately.

1. The father is absent practically from birth or the parents are divorced

Here the child-boy remains the only man in the family. Something similar happens when the father is actually in the family, but his presence is not felt (for example, he is always on business trips or at work until late), or he takes too passive a role, does not interfere in the close relationship between the son and mother, does not separate them.

In all such circumstances, the child feels the need to compensate for the absence of a father and husband, experiences an internal compulsion to take the position of a male comforter or support for the mother, only thanks to whom she can survive or be happy. That is, the child-boy takes responsibility for the emotional state of the mother.

The mother usually gets great pleasure from such a situation: she has a man with her (even if he is still small), who adores her, fulfills all her desires, is there at any necessary moment. You don't want to give up on this situation at all, and all sorts of tools are used to keep your son.

Often this is not direct manipulation on the part of the mother, such behavior is most likely not even realized by her. It is expressed in direct censure or in the hidden imposition of a sense of guilt for separateness and independence, for one's own desires, for relationships with other girls. Some mothers even resort to forbidden methods, using their health.

For example: a man is going to go on a date with a girl or to a club with friends, and his mother suddenly gets a heart attack, so he cannot leave her and pursue his own interests.

2. Peculiarities of upbringing

If the mother is tough, domineering, authoritarian, suppressive, not taking into account the desires and interests of her own child, then the child often develops with a constant look back at her. He had no opportunity to learn and understand what he wants himself, or it was forbidden. Therefore, now he does not know about his desires, interests and borrows them from his mother.

Mom always knows what is good and right. And it is extremely important for a son to remain positive and he is so afraid of becoming bad and wrong that he is easily ready to give up his own desires, especially since he has learned not to feel them or not to pay attention to them.

Consequences for a man

Speaking globally, the prospect of voluntarily or involuntarily ceasing to be a mama's boy causes such men a terrible fear of being separate, torn away, thrown out. Therefore, they always remain somewhat infantile, dependent, defending themselves from the awareness of their own subordination with various rationalizations:

• Mom is alone, she needs help, I can’t abandon her completely.
• Parents need to be respected, they put so much effort into raising me.
• Mom won’t survive without me.

Do men themselves suffer from the inability to separate from their mother? Of course, they do. But they almost never associate all their troubles with excessive attachment to their mother, and more often attribute them to fate, circumstances, or blame themselves for “badness.” It is difficult for such men to be successful, because success means distance from the mother and less need for her, which is unacceptable for both. In addition, success will make him an adult, which will cause a conflict with the position of a mama's boy. Often, the negative consequences of such relationships with the mother in adult life for men result in addictions (alcohol, drugs), the inability to realize oneself in business or career, the inability to have long-term love relationships.

Attempts to start a family and have children are realized, but are always accompanied by significant difficulties (scandals, quick divorces). As a rule, the mother of such a man cannot recognize her daughter-in-law, her own grandchildren, and her rejection greatly affects the relationship of the young couple.

As a result, both the personal life, and professional activity, and other aspects of social activity of such a man are under great threat. It is interesting that mama's boys never come to therapy, sincerely believing that they have no problems in their relationship with their mother. It takes a lot of time for a person to understand this and change.